


always always always

by just_in_cases



Series: always always always [1]
Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Failed Relationships, Louis' an artist, M/M, Working through feelings, a la Tracey Emin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_in_cases/pseuds/just_in_cases
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis' an artist, Nick doesn't get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	always always always

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, Caitlin said to me one day, "Tomlinshaw au where Louis is basically Tracey Emin" and then this fic was born.
> 
> Big thanks to Caitlin for helping me edit and letting me run ideas by her. This fic is basically for her so, yeah.
> 
> Also, all the art featured in the fic belongs to Tracey Emin. I'm not claiming to own any of it. All works are hers.

**2 Years Ago**

“I don’t get it.”

Louis was standing in the middle of the student art exhibit on campus, reading the description box next to a square canvas covered in swirls of dark red and bright yellow paint, when he heard the voice behind him.

Before he could turn around to see who was speaking to him, he felt the person move to stand beside him. “Anyone could do it. Just put some paint on the canvas and call it a day.”

Louis kept his eyes on the artwork in front of him. “Then why didn’t _you_ do it?” he asked with a little bit more bite to his voice than he was trying for.

The stranger let out a breath of laughter, “Got better things to do with my time, I guess.” When Louis looked over, he saw the man angling his body towards a canvas hanging on the wall behind them. “Like that one,” he says as he points to the canvas, “was just looking at it. Just scribbles on a canvas, innit?”

Louis looked at the canvas the man was pointing to. It was a simple line drawing, part of the tube map made into a branch with a bird perched on top. “You think you could do that?” 

“Yeah, I do. Don’t you think you could?” The man asked, turning his body so his shoulders were square with Louis’.

Louis crossed his arms in front of him, “I do. Because I did.”

The stranger immediately raised his hands in defense, “I mean. I just. I had no idea it was yours.”

“And what?” Louis spit out, “If you did you would tell me that it was a great piece of art and you can’t even begin to wrap your brain around how much talent it must have taken to create it? Save your bullshit for someone else.” Louis turned to walk away before he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait! Ermm..” The man glanced down at the description next to the drawing, “Louis! Wait. I just. I’m sorry. I’m shit, I really, really am. I didn’t mean to offend you. I mean, you should see my drawings, looks like a four year old did them to be honest. All I can manage are stick people, really. Actually, funny story. One time, my niece and I had a contest and she won. I still claim my sister was biased in her judging, but I ended up having to give her a piggyback everywhere for the rest of the day.”

“Is there a point to this rambling? Because I have class in twenty minutes.” Louis asked, tapping his foot on the floor to further point out how annoyed he was.

The man ran his fingers through his now-deflating quiff. Louis wondered if it was a nervous habit, “Okay, umm. Listen. Let me take you out for coffee after class? A proper apology?” 

Louis was about to turn down the coffee date before realizing that he was a uni student. A uni _art_ student with no money and no job. “Make it tea and we’re on.”

The stranger smiled, “Tea it is! Meet you at the cafe at about 3?”

“Half 3,” Louis countered. As he spun on his heel and headed towards the door, he heard the man speak up once again.

“Hey! Don’t you want to know my name?”

Louis laughed, not even bothering to turn around, “Not really.”

“It’s Nick!” is the last thing he heard before walking out of the art exhibit.

\----------------------

**Present Day**

The invitation comes via Harry. Of course it does. There’s no other way Nick would have received it otherwise.

“He would have wanted you to be there, you know,” Harry says before sliding the invitation across the table. Nick hears a hint of sadness in his voice. “You at least owe it to him to show up.” 

Harry doesn’t even give Nick time to respond before he’s standing up and walking right back out of the pub, leaving Nick alone with his pint and the invitation in front of him.

He downs his beer before grabbing the envelope from the table, ripping it open, and pulling out the card. It’s a black card with gold embossed writing on it. _Fancy_ , Nick thinks.

**Louis Tomlinson presents his grad school student exhibit:**

**Always Always Always: An Experience of Love and Loss**

**Opening Night: Friday, May 9th 7:00 PM**

**Please join us in celebrating Mr. Tomlinson’s accomplishments.**

He motions the bartender to bring him another pint. He has 3 days to prepare for Louis’ exhibit. There’s no way he’s going to spend all of it sober.

\----------------------

It’s Friday before Nick realizes it. He can’t even count how many times he’s tried talking himself out of going to the exhibit, but it’s for Louis. And Harry’s right. He owes Louis this. He couldn’t give Louis what he needed and deserved, but he can give Louis this.

Nick shrugs on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before pulling on his worn out leather jacket and toeing on his boots. He takes one last glance in the mirror, runs his fingers through his quiff and takes a deep breath before walking out of his flat.

He decides to take a cab to the campus instead of driving himself. If he’s honest, he’s not quite sure he could bring himself to make it there if he was the one in control of the vehicle.

Nick doesn’t remember the car ride being so short. Maybe the fact that his mind is running through one hundred different scenarios of what could happen when he shows up at the exhibit is what makes it fly by. He’s snapped out of his thoughts when the driver tells him they’ve arrived. Nick hands over some cash before climbing out of the cab and walking towards the art building.

There’s a sign outside the building, **_Opening Night: “Always Always Always: An Experience of Love and Loss” by Louis Tomlinson_**. Nick takes one last deep breath before opening the door and walking in, he can do this. It’s become his personal mantra. _You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other._

As Nick walks through the door, his attention is drawn to the art on the walls. They are all drawings that he recognizes. They’re old pieces of Louis’ from before they met and from the beginning stages of their relationship. Most are simple line drawings done in pen, ink smudged in some places from Louis’ heavy hand rubbing against it on the paper. 

They make Nick think back to the nights when he’d wake up in the early hours of the morning and find Louis sitting up in bed, glasses perched on top of his nose, sketching in his drawing pad. He remembers how Louis looked when he was drawing, how his nose would scrunch up when he drew a particularly hard line but his features would soften as he sketched lightly.

> “How can you see what you’re doing? It’s so dark in here.”
> 
> Louis would just shrug, “Didn’t want to wake you, you looked too peaceful. Go back to sleep.”

Sometimes Nick would follow Louis’ direction and roll back over and fall right back to sleep. Other times he’d make his way to the kitchen, after flicking on the lamp on the bedside table to give Louis some more light, to make Louis a cup of tea. He’d then sit up in bed with Louis and just watch him work. He’d watch Louis make these drawings that meant so much to Louis even if Nick didn’t quite understand why. Sometimes they’d stay up until the sun rose outside of the window. Other nights they’d fall asleep sitting up in bed, pen and paper still in Louis’ hands. 

The last piece on the wall before the entrance to the main exhibit is one that Nick knows all too well. It’s the one from the student art exhibit that Nick pointed out the day they met. 

When he sees it, he instantly reaches a hand to his hip, takes a second to touch the skin under his shirt. Louis doesn’t know it, but there’s a permanent reminder of him on Nick’s skin. Nick had it done after having a few drinks with some friends. He wasn’t drunk, but tipsy enough to get it done without thinking twice about it. Right there, on his left hip, sits the bird from that first piece of Louis’ art Nick saw.

He went home from his friend’s house the next day to show Louis. When he walked into his flat, Louis’ belongings were in boxes stacked by the door.

He never got to show Louis the tattoo.

Nick stands there in front of the drawing, in the middle of the crowd of people who are there to see Louis’ artwork. He wonders how many of them are going to have an emotional connection with the art and how many aren’t going to get it. He’s going to be a one of the former, he knows already. 

He counts to ten in his head while taking deep breaths before he turns and walks towards the main exhibit. 

As he turns the corner, he’s met with dim lights. He can see, from one quick glance around the room, that this is art that he’s never seen from Louis. Around him, he sees faces lit up by neon lights of different colors hanging on the walls. He’s used to line drawings and the art in front of him is completely different. Then again, Louis is probably completely different now as well.

There’s only one place to start, he thinks. The beginning.

The first thing Nick realizes is that the art is done in Louis’ handwriting. The second thing Nick realizes is that he’s seen this before. Not in neon lights. Not hanging on a wall. Not set out in the open for the world to see. Instead, he’s seen it written on a small piece of paper, the back of a receipt he thinks. A secret between the two of them.

> Nick didn’t make it back to his flat after they met up for tea. What started out as Nick profusely apologizing for offending Louis and Louis laughing it off because “it’s not the first time I heard that, mate, don’t worry yourself too much over it,” led to Nick kissing Louis outside the cafe and Louis inviting Nick back to his flat.
> 
> When they arrived back at Louis’ flat, Louis barely had time to kick the door closed behind them before Nick was crowding him against the wall, willing Louis’ mouth open with his tongue. 
> 
> “Bed. I--Fuck. I have a bed.” Louis managed to say as Nick was pressing kisses down his neck, heading toward his collarbones that the neckline on Louis’ shirt left exposed.
> 
> “Your point?” Nick asked with a smirk on his face as he pulled away.
> 
> “My point, is that I have a bed and it’s a very comfortable bed and I’d really like to see you naked on it.” Louis said before taking control and grabbing Nick’s hand to pull him down the hallway.
> 
> As soon as they crossed the threshold into the bedroom, their hands were all over each other, pushing and pulling at each other’s clothes until they were both standing naked in front of each other. 
> 
> “Fuck,” Nick breathed out before laying Louis out on the bed. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
> 
> “Enough with the cheesy lines, Nick. You’ve already got me naked in bed. Put that mouth to better use.” 
> 
> Nick didn’t have to be told twice. He kissed his way down Louis’ body until he reached his dick, taking him all the way into his mouth as Louis arched his back off the bed. “Nick. Fuck. Yeah, yeah, keep doing that.”
> 
> It didn’t take long before Louis was pulling at Nick’s hair, warning him that he was close. When Louis made to push Nick away, Nick grabbed onto his wrist and pinned his arm to the bed, sucking him until he was coming down Nick’s throat.
> 
> “God, come here.” Louis said, making grabby hands at Nick until Nick was laying down next to him. Louis instantly found Nick’s mouth with his own, sucking Nick’s bottom lip into his mouth, letting it go and marveling at the raw red color it had turned. When he went back in for another kiss, he reached down for Nick’s cock. All it took was a few tugs before Nick was coming all over Louis’ stomach.
> 
> As Nick rolled over onto his back, Louis went into the bathroom to clean himself off. When Louis walked back into the bedroom, he crawled into bed, crowded into Nick’s personal space, gave him a kiss on the cheek and they fell asleep without speaking another word between them.
> 
> The next day, after eating bowls of cereal together on Louis’ couch, Nick walked back to his own flat. He was halfway through his walk when he reached into his jacket pocket and felt a folded up piece of paper. He pulled it out, unfolded it and looked at the message written on it. 
> 
> _I woke up wanting to kiss you._
> 
> Nick tried his hardest, but he erase the smile off his face the rest of the walk home.

Nick brings a hand up to his mouth as he stares at the words hanging on the wall. He can feel some people staring at him and he wonders if they know what he’s feeling. But then he shakes his head because no one could possibly know what he’s feeling right now.

Fuck, Nick isn’t even sure what he’s feeling right now. All Nick knows is that Louis Tomlinson got under his skin and learned more about him than anyone else Nick knows. And he’s pretty sure this exhibit is Louis’ way of letting everyone have a glimpse of it. 

Nick finally moves away from the first piece of artwork and follows the line of the wall to the next installment. When he reads it, he realizes that this must be Louis remembering the good parts of their relationship. That first year when things were new and exciting and they were both happy and content with what they had.

> The first person Louis introduced Nick to was Harry. Louis had explained to Nick that he and Harry were roommates freshman year of uni and he had never clicked with someone as fast as he did with Harry.
> 
> “So, you guys were _just_ roommates, then?” Nick asked nonchalantly as he took his piece of toast out of the toaster.
> 
> “What do you mean?” Louis looked up from his plate, cocked his head to the side, waiting for Nick to clarify.
> 
> Nick cleared his throat, “I mean, you were just roommates? Never like, dated or anything?”
> 
> Louis couldn’t help himself, he started laughing before looking back at Nick and seeing that this was a serious question. “No, Nick. We never dated.”
> 
> Nick nodded his head, said, “Okay,” and then went back to fixing his toast.
> 
> “I mean, we did hook up a few times back in freshman year—”
> 
> “YOU HOOKED UP?” Nick practically yelled, dropping his knife on the counter. 
> 
> “Just a few times, Nick. We were both bored and lonely and missing home and we were best friends and we were just there! It didn’t mean anything, I swear. We’re just best friends, that’s it. What are you worried about anyway?”
> 
> Nick shook his head in denial, “Not worried about anything,” he said in a clipped tone.
> 
> Louis stood up from his chair and walked over to where Nick was standing at the counter. He wrapped his arms around his torso and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Nick, what are you worried about?”
> 
> Nick turned around in Louis’ arms and leaned back against the counter. “It’s just. I’m not worried, I guess. I mean, I am a little bit. I don’t know. There’s just this whole part of your life that I haven’t been a part of and I just don’t know where I fit. It’s kind of scary.”
> 
> “You do realize that that goes both ways, right? This is a new thing and we have to find out where we fit in each other’s lives. That’s how relationships work, okay? And don’t worry, Harry will love you. Who knows, you’ll probably end up liking him more than me.” He gave Nick a kiss on the cheek before returning to his chair.
> 
> “Is his ass as nice as yours?” Nick asked with a raised eyebrow.
> 
> “Nick, darling, no one’s ass is as nice as mine.”
> 
> “Then I don’t think you’ll have to worry about me liking him more than you.”
> 
> Harry came over that night with a bottle of cheap wine and Chinese takeaway. The three of them stayed up late, foregoing glasses and passing the bottle back and forth between them instead.
> 
> “So, Louis tells me you guys met because you were slagging off his work,” Harry said as he passed the bottle towards Nick.
> 
> Nick took a drink, “To which I have apologized for every day since.”
> 
> “Mate, you’re lucky you’ve even seen his artwork. He never really shows it to anyone.” 
> 
> Nick froze with the bottle halfway to his mouth at the new piece of information. The Louis he knew was very confident with everything, including his art. He had already watched Louis sketch. He had already watched Louis paint. Louis let him inside his makeshift studio on their second date. 
> 
> He looked over towards Louis but Louis just kept his attention on the television, never giving acknowledgement to what Harry had just said.
> 
> That was probably the moment that Nick should have realized their whole thing really meant something.
> 
> Harry ended up crashing on Louis’ couch while Louis and Nick made their way to Louis’ room. They crawled into bed in their pants, too drunk on wine to do anything more than kiss slow and languidly.
> 
> When they broke apart, Nick made himself comfortable laying on Louis’ chest. He had almost drifted to sleep when Louis started to talk.
> 
> “Harry was right. I’ve never really showed my art to anyone. I mean, I submit a piece or two to student exhibits or magazines or whatever, but those aren’t the pieces that mean the most to me. I kind of keep those to myself. Except, I guess, when it comes to you. Harry and my mom are really the only ones who have seen me in the process of creating. But I guess, I guess I trust you. So, yeah. He was right.”
> 
> Nick didn’t answer, just tucked his face into Louis’ chest. He didn’t want to break this moment.
> 
> “I know you’re awake. I can feel your smile,” Louis said, running his fingers through Nick’s hair.
> 
> Nick raised his head, gave Louis a small kiss and said, “Thank you. You know, for showing me.”
> 
> Louis gave him one last kiss on the forehead before telling him to get some sleep.

Nick realizes now what he should have realized then; Louis had let Nick in so early in their relationship, he hadn’t held anything back. Louis was a book, laid open for Nick to read from the very beginning.

Past Nick was a complete idiot, Present Nick realizes. 

There are a few line drawings between where he is and the next neon piece. Nick can see a group of people standing around it so decides to take his time making his way over. He’s been doing an okay job keeping his emotions to himself, so far. But he’d rather not have a breakdown in front of a large group of strangers if he can avoid it.

A waitress passes by with a tray of drinks and he takes one, shooting her a smile as he does. He takes a sip before he realizes what it is. A screwdriver. Louis would take the piss out of him for ordering these at bars until Nick convinced him to try one. After that, it became their thing. They would make them for each other on nights when they would stay in on weekends. Of course Louis would pick to serve these at his exhibit.

Nick’s thoughts are interrupted when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He takes it out and glances down at the screen. Iit’s Harry. “‘Ello.”

“Just making sure you were at the exhibit. He asked if I gave you the invitation, he’s going to expect you to show up.”

Nick takes another sip of his drink, “I’m here, Harry. You knew I would show up. He knew I would show up.”

“Yeah, we did. But _you_ didn’t know you would show up.”

And fuck, is Nick really that transparent?

“I’m at the exhibit, too. I’m here with him. He’s off talking to one of his professors right now but, he’s been kind of out of it? Like, his mind is somewhere else. I think he’s just waiting to see you.” Harry tells Nick.

“Well, I’m here.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Okay.” Nick says before telling Harry he’ll see him sometime tonight. He hangs up the phone, downs the rest of his drink and makes his way to the next piece of artwork.

When Nick gets to the next installment, he has to step back into the middle of the room to properly read it because it takes up a large portion of the wall. He feels someone come up beside him and when he turns he sees a woman in her late twenties, hair tied back in a loose bun. She’s reading the piece and Nick finds himself waiting for a reaction from her.

“I can’t imagine it,” she finally says, just loud enough for Nick to hear over the hushed murmurs of the crowd around them.

“Can’t imagine what?” Nick asks before taking a sip of his drink.

She turns her attention away from the installment and meets Nick’s eyes, “Can’t imagine having a connection that strong, that you feel like your entire body belongs to that person. That you feel like you’ve given them everything you have to offer. I can’t imagine it. It terrifies me.”

Nick is searching for words to respond with but comes up with nothing. The woman simply gives him a shy smile and walks away, leaving Nick alone with the mixed up bundle of thoughts in his head. He’s been trying to untangle that bundle of thoughts for too long, but all that seems to happen is the tangles getting tighter the more he tries to undo them. He reads the piece once again, not being able to stop thinking about what the lady just said to him.

_You put your hand_  
across my mouth  
But still the noise  
Continues  
Every part of my body  
Is screaming  
Smashed into a thousand  
Million pieces  
Every part  
For ever  
Belonging to you 

> One thing Nick learned about Louis right away is that Louis fucks like his life depends on it. Sex with Louis was passionate and loud and exhausting. 
> 
> The first year they were together, Nick and Harry decided to throw Louis a birthday party at a local club. They scraped up enough money to rent out the VIP room and invited all of Louis’ friends from school and from home. The bartender even gave them half price drinks (Nick later found out it was because Harry had been hooking up with him for a few months).
> 
> The plan was for it to be a surprise party. All of Louis’ friends were at the club waiting and it was Nick’s job to get Louis from his flat to the club without giving the secret away. That plan might have worked if Nick wasn’t shit at keeping surprises a secret.
> 
> “Why are we going to the club, Nick? We never go to the club. The pub not good enough for you anymore?” Louis playfully hit Nick in the leg as he asked.
> 
> “Harry’s at the club,” and shit. Yep, this was how the surprise started to unravel.
> 
> Louis turned in his seat to face Nick, “And why is Harry at the club?”
> 
> Nick tried his best to turn away from Louis, tried to find something outside the window to keep his attention on. But he couldn’t find anything more interesting than Louis’ hand that began to creep up his thigh.
> 
> He could feel Louis’ breath on his ear before he heard him speak, “Why is Harry at the club, Nick?”
> 
> And really, this was just a horrible idea from the start. Because Nick is shit at keeping surprises a secret and Louis is shit at letting surprises happen to him. 
> 
> “It’s a surprise,” Nick admitted right before Louis started to work at the button on Nick’s jeans. 
> 
> As soon as Nick spoke the words, Louis took his hand away from Nick and moved to sit back in his seat. When Nick looked over, he saw the biggest smile painted on Louis’ face. “You’re throwing me a surprise party!” Louis began to sing.
> 
> Nick let out a huff of annoyance, “You’re really just going to leave me hanging over here?” He gestured towards his crotch, “Isn’t this some type of cruel and unusual punishment?”
> 
> “That’s the beauty of tonight, Nick. I’m the birthday boy and what I say goes. That means if I think you should wait to get that taken care of, you have to wait to get that taken care of.” 
> 
> Nick decided that arguing with Louis over this was futile, so he did his best to readjust himself in his jeans and hide the fact that he was sporting a semi as they entered the club.
> 
> When they arrived, Nick led Louis to the VIP room where everyone was waiting. Louis did his best to act shocked when everyone yelled “SURPRISE!” but no one was fooled.
> 
> Harry walked over, arms crossed in front of him, “Really, Nick? Couldn’t keep your mouth shut about this?”
> 
> “He was feeling me up in the cab ride over, Harry. I cannot be held accountable for my actions in that type of situation.”
> 
> Harry looked down at the floor and shook his head but Nick could see a smile hidden behind his mess of curls. When Harry turned to Louis, he embraced him in hug, “Happy birthday, Lou! Well, this was supposed to be a surprise. But seeing as your boyfriend can’t keep his big mouth shut, I guess it wasn’t really a surprise. Anyway, you’re not paying for any drinks tonight so go get drunk and we’ll make sure to get you home safe and sound!”
> 
> Louis didn’t have to be told twice to get drunk. Before Nick knew what was going on, Louis was dancing on top of the table in the middle of the room. He had two bottles of champagne in his hands and he was thrusting his hips to the music booming from the speakers. He was just about to step off the edge when Nick swooped in and caught him, placing him and his feet on the floor this time. 
> 
> Louis threw his arms around Nick’s neck, “Nickkkkkk. Nickyyyyyyy. I’m drunk.” Louis let out a hiccup that was followed by him giggling.
> 
> Nick chuckled into Louis’ hair, “We can all see that, babe.”
> 
> “I want,” Louis hiccupped again, “I want you to fuck me.”
> 
> “You do realize by the time we get home you’ll be passed out, right? Better wait until morning, love.”
> 
> “No. Don’t want to wait.” Louis set down the bottles of champagne and grabbed onto Nick’s hand, pulling him in the direction of a curtain that was hanging on the back wall. When they got to it, Louis pushed it aside and pulled Nick in behind him. The curtain was blocking off the VIP room from what looked like a few maintenance closets. Louis intruded Nick’s personal space again, this time, grabbing onto Nick’s dick through his jeans, “Want you to fuck me, right here.”
> 
> “Louis, your friends are just outside. They’ll hear. We can’t--”
> 
> Nick was cut off by Louis’ protests, “We can! I can be quiet.” He followed up the statement by mimicking zipping his lips and throwing away a key. “Besides, it’s my birthday! How can you say no to me on my birthday? Isn’t there some sort of law against that?”
> 
> Nick did his best to hold in his laugh but failed, “Babe, you can’t be quiet. I know this, you know this.”
> 
> “Then I guess you’re just going to have to keep me quiet,” Louis said as he unbuttoned Nick’s jeans and stuck his hand into them. And, okay, Nick’s cock was definitely interested in this.
> 
> Suddenly, a switch turned on for Nick and he quickly turned Louis around so he was facing the wall while pinning one arm behind his back. When he looked at Louis’ face, he could see Louis smiling.
> 
> “There’s a sachet of lube in my pocket, condom too.” Louis informed Nick. “Always be prepared, or something like that, right?”
> 
> Nick pulled out the lube and condom before undoing Louis’ jeans and sliding them down to his ankles. It was dark behind the curtain but Nick still took a moment to marvel at how amazing Louis’ ass looked.
> 
> “You just gonna stare at it or are you going to do something?” Nick could hear the annoyance in his voice.
> 
> Nick positioned himself behind Louis, opened the sachet of lube and put some on his fingers before moving them down to Louis’ hole. Louis instantly pushed his ass back into Nick’s hand at the contact.
> 
> “So eager,” Nick said before carefully opened Louis up, emitting sounds from Louis that were so beautiful, Nick almost forgot that a heavy curtain was the only thing separating them from the room full of people. 
> 
> “I’m ready, Nick.” Louis breathed out, and that go ahead was what Nick was waiting for.
> 
> Nick undid his own jeans, pushed them down along with his pants and slicked himself up. As soon as he nudged Louis’ hole with the head of his penis, Louis let out a strangled noise. 
> 
> “Shhh. You have to stay quiet, Lou. Can’t have everyone out there knowing how good you are at taking my cock.”
> 
> When Nick was completely inside Louis, Louis let out a string of curse words. Usually, Nick would welcome such a response, but this wasn’t the ideal place for it. Nick’s first response was to bring his hand up to Louis’ mouth, covering it so none of the noises could escape. Nick saw Louis’ eyes grow wide as soon as his hand was covering his mouth and fuck, okay, Louis was getting off on this. 
> 
> Nick began fucking into Louis earnestly. Fast and hard and with the sole intent of making Louis come. It could have been the fact that anyone could have found them behind the curtain, or maybe it was the fact that Nick had a hand over Louis’ mouth and Louis was obviously turned on by that, but it didn’t take long for either of them to fall apart. Nick gave a warning that he was close and right after, Louis sunk his teeth into Nick’s hand, shooting come all over the wall he was pressed against. The feeling of that on Nick’s cock was too much for him to take and he was coming too.
> 
> Nick took his hand away from Louis’ mouth and pulled out slowly. When Louis turned back around, he slumped his body against the wall. “Fuck, that was. That was amazing.”
> 
> Nick opened up one of the closets they were next to and found extra rolls of toilet paper, stealing some to clean themselves up with. “Never knew it would turn you on so much to have someone shut you up like that.” 
> 
> “I just, I felt like the rest of my body was on fire, you know? Like, I don’t know. It was just really fucking good, Nick. Really fucking good.” 
> 
> They both dressed themselves again, checking each other to make sure they were presentable before sneaking back into the party. 
> 
> They weren’t back for thirty seconds before Harry found them, “You guys do know that you both smell like sex, right?”

Nick misses fucking Louis. He’s missed it since those few seconds after the last time they fucked where they laid in bed trying to even out their breath. Those seconds right before Louis got up and made his way into his studio. Nick remembers falling asleep that night before Louis came back to bed. But now that he thinks about it, he’s not even sure Louis made it back to bed at all.

Nick hasn’t slept with anyone since Louis. That isn’t for lack of trying, though. The night after Louis took his boxes from Nick’s flat, Nick went out to the bar. He let a cute blonde buy him drinks and then he let him take him into the toilet. Nick let the blonde push him flat against the wall as he fell to his knees in front of him. But it was all wrong for Nick. The hair wasn’t brown enough, not feathery enough. Nick shook his head, apologized, and left the bar.

Maybe Nick knew that no one was going to live up to Louis. Not in bed and especially not out of bed. 

Nick does the one thing he’s always known how to do. He puts one foot in front of the other and he walks towards the door. He can’t do this, he’s realized. He can’t be here for Louis when that’s the one thing he failed at doing all along. 

He’s intercepted by Harry right before he reaches the exit. “Where do you think you’re going, Grimshaw? I swear to God if you are planning on walking out that door and leaving, I will murder you myself.”

“Harry, please. I can’t do this. This is his moment to shine, okay. I’ve taken that away from him too many times. I can’t do it again.” He moves to step around Harry but Harry sidesteps in front of him.

“You don’t think he feels bad about all of this, too? You don’t think he feels like part of the blame is on him? You weren’t the only one that fucked this up, Nick. He realizes what he did wrong. All of this,” Harry motions around him with arms outstretched, “is him showing you that he knows where he went wrong. Fuck, Nick. Open your eyes for once and let it in. Stop running.”

Nick looks towards the door. It would be so easy to just ignore Harry’s words and walk out.

“Please stop running,” is the last thing he hears before Harry walks away, back into the exhibit.

He’s heard those three words from Louis before and failed to give Louis what he needed. He’s not going to let himself make the same mistake again.

He lets his hand rest on the bird perched on his hip for a short moment before turning back to the exhibit. 

He’s done running.

Nick walks back into the exhibit, shoulders squared and purpose in his steps. He’s going to make it through this damn exhibit if it kills him. 

The next installment is done in a pale pink color. It’s ironic, Nick thinks. Such a calm lovely color used on words that held so much weight in them, weight that Nick put on Louis and never took off. He wonders now if it was that weight that made them break.

> Nick and Louis had been lying on top of the grassy hill in the middle of campus when Louis asked him.
> 
> “Do you believe in love?” Louis didn’t look at Nick when he asked. Instead, he was absentmindedly toying with the fingers on Nick’s hand that lay closest to him, spinning Nick’s ring around in circles. “Real love, I mean. Love that can change you and make you a better person. The kind that, I don’t know, completes you or something cheesy like that.”
> 
> “You mean that fairytale stuff that Disney movies are made of? Don’t know about that. I like to think of myself as complete without that. That like, I don’t need to rely on some _feeling_ to make me feel whole.” Nick responded as he stared up at the sunny sky through the sunglasses that were perched on his nose.
> 
> Nick missed Louis turning his head towards him, searching for any indication that Nick was just taking the piss out of him. Nick missed the look on Louis’ face when he failed to find that.
> 
> Louis set Nick’s hand back down on the grass and laid his own hands across his stomach, “Yeah, guess you’re right.”
> 
> They laid there for awhile after that. Silence awkwardly hanging between the two of them until Nick looked over at Louis, “I don’t believe in love, but I do believe in you.”
> 
> The only response he got from Louis was a small turn of his head followed by a short lived smile before he went back to watching the clouds go by.
> 
> Their hands didn’t try to find each other the rest of the afternoon. 

Nick pinches the bridge of his nose at the thought of the memory. He wonders how many small comments he made just like that that he brushed off but that became etched in Louis’ memory. He wonders just how early in their relationship Louis realized that this was going to be a struggle, a constant battle to get Nick to let him in. He wonders when Louis decided it wasn’t a battle worth fighting.

Nick has to laugh to himself when he sees the next piece. He’s standing in the middle of an art exhibit that is showcasing his ex boyfriend’s artwork that is all about their relationship. This is his life. It’s kind of funny, he thinks. There are people here who know nothing about these pieces. They have no idea who inspired them. They have no idea what happened in Louis’ life to make him create these. They’re simply outsiders who are looking in at something they know nothing about. But Nick knows all of it. Nick knows every little minute detail about the stories behind these pieces of art. This is the last two years of Nick’s life posted on the walls around him for everyone to see. The other guests can make inane comments about the artwork in passing. But Nick, he can’t look at these pieces without memories crashing down on him like waves. 

So yeah, he laughs. It’s better than the alternative of crying, he decides.

 _Trust me_ is written on the wall in front of him, the blue light glowing on his skin. These are words he’s heard Louis say too many times. 

He’d heard Louis say these words when he was trying to convince Nick it was a good idea to climb the statue in the middle of the quad when they were shitfaced one night. _Just trust me Nick, what’s the worst that could happen?_ The worst that happened was Louis made it about a foot off the ground before falling backwards onto his ass. Nick stood there and laughed while Louis plastered a fake pout on his face and wouldn’t give up the act until Nick slung him over his shoulder and carried him the rest of the way home. 

He’d heard Louis say the words when his mom was coming down for the weekend and Nick was scared out of his mind. _Trust me,_ he said, _she’s going to love you._ Louis ended up being right. 

Louis ended up being right a lot of the time.

He’d also heard Louis say the words when they were getting into fights more often than not.

Nick remembers one night, in particular, vividly.

> They had been getting into arguments lately. The arguments started out over petty things, what movie they were going to watch, what food they were going to eat, if they were going to go out with friends or stay in. But they snowballed into something bigger and they were becoming more and more frequent. They stopped being the type of arguments that ended in passionate make up sex.
> 
> Louis was at the art building working late on a big project and Nick thought that what they needed was a break from the arguing and the stress. So while Louis was working, Nick snuck out to the grocery store and bought supplies to make pasta. On the way out, he grabbed some fresh cut flowers to add the table. He remembered seeing some candles in one of the kitchen drawers. A romantic dinner, he thought.
> 
> The pasta was ready to be drained and the sauce was cooking on the stovetop when Louis arrived. 
> 
> “I’m in here, babe. Dinner’s almost ready,” Nick called from where he was working in the kitchen.
> 
> He heard doors being opened and closed and shuffling around before Louis appeared in the entryway to the kitchen in a pair of old sweats and a tshirt that was too big on him. Nick realized it was his own after a few seconds of staring. There were bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess, probably from pulling at it in frustration, a habit Louis had while creating his art.
> 
> Louis scanned the kitchen as he blinked slowly. “What’s this, Nick?” He sounded as exhausted as he looked.
> 
> Nick scurried over to where Louis was standing. “Romantic dinner, what’s it look like?” He pressed a small kiss to his lips before turning back to the stove.
> 
> Nick heard Louis let out a huff of frustration before speaking again, “Nick, you can’t just do this.”
> 
> Nick froze at the stove. Staring down at the sauce he asked, “Can’t do what?” He could feel his own muscles tense up as he waited for what was inevitably to come.
> 
> “You can’t just. Fuck. You can’t just act like this is going to fix everything, Nick. You can’t just cover up our problems with candles and flowers and pasta. That’s not how it works.”
> 
> Nick practically slammed the spoon down on the counter as he turned to face Louis. “Then how does it work, Louis? Tell me, because I feel like I’m getting nowhere with this. I’m trying here, okay?”
> 
> “That’s just the thing!” Nick notices how Louis’ body has gone tense, “You’re not trying. I’ve been trying, Nick. I’ve been trying to get you to open up, to let me in. And you’re not doing it. You keep shutting me out. And okay, I know you don’t believe in love or whatever other bullshit you’re telling yourself. But fuck, Nick. You said you believed in me. Well here I am. I’m here and I’m real and fuck, I just, I need you to let me in but you’re putting up walls. This dinner, these flowers, these candles. This doesn’t mean anything to me. _You_ mean something to me. I’ve been waiting so long for you to give me all of you. I’ve been waiting for you to just trust me. Why can’t you just trust me?”
> 
> “I’m trying! Do you not see that? I’m trying so hard. I can’t just tear down all my walls, that’s not how I work. God, I’m so afraid. Scared shitless, even. I just, I’m trying.” Nick’s voice began to crack at the last words.
> 
> Louis’ eyes fell shut before admitting quietly, “I just don’t think I can do this if you can’t trust me.”
> 
> Nick was pushing himself off the counter and making his way over to where Louis was standing before all the words escaped Louis’ mouth. He gently tipped his chin up with his hands and willed Louis’ eyes to open and find his own. “I’m going to try, okay? I’m trying. That’s all I can give you.” 
> 
> Louis opened his eyes and nodded his head. “I think. I think I’m going to go crash at Harry’s tonight.”
> 
> Nick opened his mouth to protest but was quickly cut off by Louis, “No. I just need to think about all of this. I’ll be at his place, okay. Please, just give me some space right now.”
> 
> Nick’s feet didn’t move from his spot on the floor in the middle of the kitchen while Louis went into the bedroom to pack some belongings in an overnight bag. He didn’t move from his spot when Louis grabbed his denim jacket from the back of the couch. He didn’t move from his spot when Louis chanced a glance back at Nick before walking out the door. 
> 
> He didn’t move from his spot when Louis whispered, “Just trust me.” Nick watched the hope disappear from Louis’ face when Nick didn’t move.
> 
> He should have moved.

Nick grabs another drink from a waitress that walks by, feels the alcohol burn as it slides down his throat.

Trust, it’s always been something that’s terrified Nick. Not quite as much as Louis Tomlinson terrifies him though. Nothing has ever terrified him as much as Louis Tomlinson.

Nick passes through another doorway leading to the last room of the exhibit as he adjusts his jacket on his shoulders, trying to ease the clamminess on his skin that has arisen from the whole situation. He knows Louis is somewhere nearby, probably waiting at the end of the exhibit to see Nick’s face. 

When he arrives at the next piece, he overhears a couple standing not too far away from him. 

“Wonder if the person this art is about is here.”

“If I were them, I don’t think I’d show my face.”

Nick feels a bit offended upon hearing what they’re saying so he can’t stop himself from speaking up. “Or maybe the person will realize how stupid they were and they’ll try to fix it.”

The couple turns to him and, after giving him a sweeping look from head to toe, moves onto the next installment.

Nick wonders just how many people here are unknowingly judging him. He wonders how many of the people he’s stood next to tonight have thought horrible things about him. He wonders how many of the visitors are trying to decipher the artwork and put together the pieces of Nick and Louis’ failed relationship. 

He knows of at least one person that’s doing it. 

Himself.

The thing about Louis is that he’s always had a way of knowing more about Nick than was ever purposely revealed to him. Nick’s not sure how he ever did it, but he always knew what Nick was thinking or wanting before he told Louis.

He realizes, when he sees the next piece, that maybe Louis knows more about him than Nick even knows about himself.

_Love is what you want._

And that’s exactly what Nick’s wanted all along, isn’t it? An offer of commitment. The knowledge that someone wants him, just how he is, flaws included.

And that’s exactly what Louis had offered him all along, so why did Nick run away from it?

> It was a Saturday evening when Louis said it to him. There was nothing special about the day or the moment, just your average Saturday evening spent watching syndicated television.
> 
> Nick was sitting on the couch combing his fingers through Louis’ hair as he laid on Nick’s lap while sipping a screwdriver Louis had just made him. Louis seemed to be completely absorbed in the show until Nick started to laugh at something that happened on the screen. 
> 
> Louis turned his head to look up at Nick and when Nick caught him staring, he raised his hand to his face, “Do I have something on my face or something?” he asked as he wiped away at nothing.
> 
> “No.”
> 
> “Then what? Just can’t resist staring at my gorgeous face?” Nick smirked before taking another sip of his screwdriver.
> 
> “I love you, you know.” Louis said quietly, just loud enough for Nick to catch it.
> 
> Nick slowly set his drink on the side table before speaking cautiously. “Louis.”
> 
> Louis shook his head and moved to straddle Nick’s thighs on the couch. “Nick, just hear me out, okay?”
> 
> Nick didn’t speak a word, too terrified to speak. He simply nodded his head to give Louis the go ahead.
> 
> “I love you. I’ve probably loved you since that first day at the cafe when you couldn’t stop apologizing for making fun of my art. And, I know you say you don’t believe in love, but, I do. And I love you. And maybe one day you’ll change your mind. Maybe one day you’ll see how much I love you and you’ll feel it and you’ll believe in it too.” 
> 
> The room fell silent around them after Louis stopped talking. The only sound Nick could hear was the leaky faucet in the bathroom and the sound of their breathing.
> 
> “Louis--” Nick started before being cut off by Louis.
> 
> “No. I don’t need you to say anything right now, okay. Let’s just go to bed, yeah?” Louis asked as he stood up and reached out for Nick’s hand.
> 
> Nick smiled as he took Louis’ hand. “Bed, yeah.”

Nick distinctly remembers the desperation in Louis’ voice he was trying so hard to conceal during his confession to Nick.

Maybe Nick should have told him right then and there. Maybe he should have let Louis know how scared he was of being let down in the end, how scared he was of letting Louis only for Louis to not like what he found. Maybe if he would have just let Louis know, they wouldn’t have reached their breaking part. Maybe they could have worked through things together.

Maybe Louis would have wanted to keep fighting for Nick.

But maybe this is all a sign that Nick needed to see. A sign telling him that it’s his turn to do the fighting.

 

One of the last pieces in the exhibit is one that is the most painful for Nick to see. There, glowing on the wall in front of him, are some of the last words Louis had said to him before taking his boxes and leaving Nick’s flat for the last time.

> Nick was walking up to the door of his flat after staying the night at Henry’s, tattoo fresh on his hip ready to show to Louis. He had hopes that Louis would see it as some kind of sign that Nick didn’t want to give all of this up. That he didn’t want to give Louis up.
> 
> When he turned the knob to open the door, it opened half way before hitting something heavy behind it. After squeezing through the opening and stepping into his flat, he saw the boxes stacked there. And okay, maybe Nick should have seen this coming.
> 
> “Lou!” Nick called with worry in his voice. “Louis!”
> 
> “I’m in here.” Nick heard from inside his bedroom.
> 
> Nick opened the door to find Louis perched on the foot of the bed. But this wasn’t his Louis. This Louis was small and looked so unsure of what was about to unfold in front of him. Nick wasn’t sure if he should step any farther into the room. He chose to stand near the doorframe in the end, keeping some distance in between the two of them.
> 
> “Louis,” Nick said cautiously, “Why are there boxes by the door?” Nick could already feel the tears prickling his eyes.
> 
> He could tell Louis looking was trying to focus his attention on anything in the room that _wasn’t_ Nick.
> 
> “Please, tell me this isn’t what I think it is,” Nick whispered before a stray tear escaped down his cheek.
> 
> Louis pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes as he shook his head. “I need to hear you say it Nick, or I can’t do this anymore.”
> 
> He looked up at Nick for the first time since Nick walked into the flat. He looked a wreck. Louis’ eyes were bloodshot and dark bags hung below them. He looked like he hadn’t slept for a week.
> 
> “Say what, Louis?” Nick asked even though he knew exactly what Louis meant.
> 
> Louis stared up at the ceiling, “You know what, Nick.”
> 
> “Louis, I’ve told you. I can’t--”
> 
> “You can’t what? You keep telling me you can’t. You can’t give me that one bit of hope that this isn’t all for nothing? You can’t reassure me that I haven’t wasted the past two years hoping that you’ll come around only to find out that’s it’s pointless? You can’t just tell me that you love me. Because I know you do, Nick. I know it. I know all of this wasn’t for nothing. I know it means something to you. I know _I_ mean something to you.”
> 
> Nick did the one thing he did best. He put his walls up, separated himself from Louis. “You can’t just ask this from me, Louis. You know you can’t. You can’t just expect me to say these things just because you want to hear them. You can’t force it!”
> 
> Louis stood up, hands clenched in fists at his side. “You think _I_ just want to hear them? No, Nick. I want _you_ to hear yourself say them. Maybe then you’ll realize what I’ve known all along. That you can tear these walls down and let me in. Fuck, that’s all I’ve wanted and you can’t even do that, can you? You can’t just love me.”
> 
> Nick wasn’t sure when his tactic turned to being on the offense instead of the defense, but that’s where he found himself when he spat out his next words. “I have walls up? That’s rich coming from you.”
> 
> Louis noticeably flinched at that, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
> 
> “You tell me I have walls up, that I hide behind them and don’t let you in. What about you, Louis? Hiding behind your art? You say that I’m the one hiding but I’m _not_ the only one.”
> 
> “You know what? I was stupid for thinking this would work.” Louis made his way past Nick, making Nick follow him into the entryway. “You’ve never understood it, have you? I should have known from that first meeting. How could I have been so stupid? God. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe I thought that maybe, maybe you’d get it. Maybe, you know, maybe you’d get how I felt about you and maybe you’d feel the same way.”
> 
> “What do you want from me, Louis? I’ve tried! Why can’t you open your eyes and see that?” Nick asked as Louis reached down to pick up one of the boxes.
> 
> Louis shifted the box around in his arms before taking the spare key to Nick’s flat out of his pocket. “I guess for the same reason that you can’t open your eyes and see what’s right in front of you, Nick.” He set the key on the table before turning back to Nick, “Harry’s coming by later to get the other box. He’ll bring over the stuff you left at mine.”
> 
> And with that, Louis walked out of Nick’s flat for the last time. 
> 
> When Harry came by an hour later, box of Nick’s things in hand, Nick was sitting against the wall staring at the front door. 
> 
> “Umm, should I just leave this here?” Harry asked, setting the box on the table in the hallway.
> 
> “Yeah, fine, whatever,” Nick answered, not looking up at Harry. He kept his eyes glued to the front door as he played back the memory of Louis walking out over and over again in his head.
> 
> Harry nodded before picking up the box of Louis’ things. “Umm, I guess I’ll see you around, Nick.”
> 
> Nick didn’t reply, just let Harry leave the flat, taking the last bits of Louis with him.

Nick is brought back to the present when he notices a pair of dirty white vans sidle up next to his worn out black boots. On top of the left one, a smiley face is drawn in pen. He’d know those shoes anywhere.

> “Stop moving or you’re going to ruin my masterpiece!” Nick said as Louis struggled to see what he was drawing.
> 
> “Masterpiece. Right.” Louis laughed.
> 
> Nick feigned offence, “You wound me, Louis. This is a one of a kind Nick Grimshaw original. Only one in existence. You should feel lucky.”
> 
> When Nick looked up, Louis wasn’t looking at the shoe. He was looking at Nick. “Yeah, I should.”
> 
> Nick aimed a smile at Louis before finishing his drawing. “Ta da!” Nick said as Louis looked down at the smiley face drawn on the top of his shoe.
> 
> “Truly a masterpiece! Should be on display at the Louvre!” Louis said before leaning over and giving Nick a kiss.

“I think I get it now,” Nick says, not averting his attention from the installment on the wall.

“I was hoping you would,” Louis speaks up from beside him.

Nick turns to look at him. It seems like lifetimes have passed since he’s seen Louis’ face in person. After Louis left that day, all Nick had were pictures to look at. And now, Louis is just inches away from him and he’s just as beautiful as Nick remembers even though he can tell Louis’ a bit more closed off now. 

Nick hates knowing that the responsibility for that falls on his shoulders.

“I’m not just talking about the art, you know. I get it. All of it. The art. You. Me. How I felt about you. How I still feel about you. I get it now.” 

“There’s another piece I want to show you,” Louis says before turning towards a door off to the side of the room, “Please?”

Nick turns and follows Louis without hesitance.

When they get through the door, Louis locks it behind them. He must notice the look of confusion on Nick’s face because he quickly explains, “I just need it to be me and you for a bit. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s okay.” Nick feels his throat tightening up around the words he’s speaking and he curses himself because this is not the time for that to happen. This is when he needs to be able to tell Louis everything. He can’t hold anything back when he’s positive that this is his last chance.

Before he can say anything more, he sees what the last piece of art is. In front of him, on the floor, is a bed. Not just any bed, but an exact replica of Louis’ bed from the morning after they first slept together. The scene has been burned into Nick’s retinas ever since that morning. He remembers coming out of the bathroom after taking a piss and seeing Louis curled up in the middle of the bed, content smile on his face. He remembers how his heart swelled up in his chest at the sight of this beautiful boy that came into his life not even 24 hours prior.

The only thing missing from the scene in front of him is Louis. The rest is all there. The comforter is just how they left it, thrown off the side of the bed because their body heat was enough to keep them warm through the night. Nick’s shirt is laying on the floor next to the bed, he forgot that Louis kept it all those months ago. The sheets are ripped from the sides of the bed from when they fucked without a care in the world.

Above the bed is another piece of art.

“Maybe it’s where I went wrong,” Louis says, “I think I just got too greedy, asked for too much from you.”

It catches Nick off guard. Ever since Louis walked out of his flat that last time, Nick has placed all of the blame on himself. And here, in front of him, Louis looks so guilty. “Louis, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Not completely,” Louis answers, “But I wasn’t exactly blameless during the whole thing. I didn’t have to push so hard, you know? I should have backed off. I should have listened to what you were telling me. I just wanted it so badly. I just wanted you to love me back.” Louis moves so he’s sitting on the bed and this scene much too familiar for Nick’s liking. It reminds Nick too much of when Louis was last in Nick’s flat.

This time, though, Nick moves to sit next to him. He takes a deep breath before beginning to speak. “You know, when I met you, I knew this was in your future. I was watching you before I went up to you in that art exhibit. I watched how you were looking at that art, taking it all in. And I didn’t get it. I didn’t get how art could have an affect on someone like I saw it having on you. But, I get it now. I see it.”

He doesn’t have to look at Louis to know that he has his attention.

“I was so scared. You’re so passionate, Louis. So passionate about everything. About art, about love. Even about me. And I didn’t want to let you down, but I did and I’m sorry. I can see how wrong I was about everything.”

Louis lets out a labored breath beside him, “I tried so hard to show you that you didn’t have to be scared of all of this. This was real. All of what we had, it meant something.”

Nick maneuvers so he’s kneeling in front of Louis, grabbing both of his hands in the process. “I know it was real. There’s one thing I’m sure of in life and that’s that this, us, all we had, it’s real. You just came into my life so quickly and I’ve never had that. I’ve never been offered commitment like that and I’ve never had someone want to see everything there is about me. I guess I just learned to shut all that away and it became so hard to open up again. Especially to you.”

Nick can see tears brimming in Louis’ eyes. As one falls down his cheek, he gently wipes it away with his thumb.

“And I hate knowing that I made you feel like I didn’t want to open up to you. Because I did. I still do. I was just scared that if I opened up and you saw all these things I was hiding that you wouldn’t want it. And I just, I couldn’t have you leave because of that. I just couldn’t. But, I guess that didn’t matter in the end, because you left anyway.”

“For the record, I don’t think you hide behind your art. At least, I don’t think that anymore. It may not be through words, but, your art speaks so loudly, Louis. I can see now that this is who you are, that you just lay everything bare for people to see. And I’ve been kicking myself since the day I said that to you. If anything, your art helped me see things I should have seen long before today.”

Nick stares up at the ceiling, trying to will his tears away before Louis reaches up and cups his cheek in his palm. “You can show me, you know. You can show me how you’re feeling. Let me in, Nick. God, just. You have to or I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and listen to you say all these things if you’re still not going to let me in.”

And this is it. Nick has waited too long and he should have done this that day on the hill when they were watching the clouds float by.

Nick’s eyes meet Louis’ and then he finds his voice. “I love you. And I know I said I didn’t believe in love. But I was just trying to protect myself. I mean it when I say that I believe in you and I love you. God. I’ve been so stupid. I tried so hard to keep myself from getting hurt that I couldn’t see that I was hurting you. Looking back on everything, I can see that I didn’t need protecting from you. I love you, Louis. And I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you that if you’ll let me.”

When Nick gets done talking, his eyes search Louis’ face for some sort of sign that this isn’t all over between them. That Louis still loves Nick and he’s willing to give him a try. That there’s still hope in their story.

Louis starts to speak hesitantly, “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that, you know? I remember that day on the hill, when I asked you if you believed in love. Remember that day? You told me you didn’t believe in it. And there I was, wondering how long it would take to change your mind about it. I almost gave up, you know? There were nights that you would be sleeping and I’d just be watching you, just wondering when you’d be able to say it. Wondering how I could love you so much and you couldn’t give me that in return.”

Louis raises his hand to Nick when Nick tries to speak up, “No, just, let me get this out, okay? I wanted you to give that to me so badly that I think I started to corner you into it. I thought I could just pull it out of you. And that’s where I went wrong. You weren’t the only one that fucked up, Nick. Okay? Don’t put this all on yourself. I should have given you the time and space to work through it all on your own instead of constantly pulling and pushing you. I exhausted myself because of it and that’s what made me break. I just got tired.”

“I needed the push though,” Nick responds.

“But you didn’t need a shove,” Louis says. “There’s one last piece I want you to see. Follow me?”

Nick nods his head yes. He’d follow Louis anywhere if he’d let him. Louis searches for his hand in the dimly lit room and leads him out of the door they came through. The crowd has dwindled, just a few lingering visitors are left. Louis walks them both to the door Nick entered the exhibit through and stops just short of the threshold.

He looks above the door and Nick follows his eyesight. There, written above the door are words in bright neon blue.

“I wanted it to be the last thing you saw before you left,” Louis says, barely louder than a whisper. “I just wanted you to know that I still love you. Even if you didn’t love me, I just needed you to know.”

Nick’s still looking at the sign when he talks, “So, what’s this all mean now?”

He chances a look at Louis and he’s relieved to find Louis looking at him with a hopeful smile on his face.

“Now. Now this means that I love you. And all of this,” Louis says as he makes a wild gesture with his hands towards the art around them, “all of this is just part of our story. We walk out of here and I love you and you love me and we work through all of this. We take all of it and we learn from it and we open up to each other and we talk.”

Louis finds Nick’s hand between them, rests his fingers between Nick’s and gives a reassuring squeeze. “That is, if you want to? I’ve done enough pushing. I want you to make your own decision.”

Before Nick says anything, he reaches over and places his hand on Louis’ face, runs his thumb down his jawline. He places a lingering kiss on his lips before pulling back and whispering, “I love you and I want this. All of this.”

Louis smiles at him and leans back in for another kiss. They kiss like they’re discovering each other for the first time, which, in a way, maybe they are.

Louis pulls back just long enough to ask, “Do you get it now?”

Nick gives him one more kiss on the cheek before answering.

“Yeah. I get it.”

\----------------

They leave the exhibit hand in hand and stop at the liquor store to get a cheap bottle of champagne to celebrate with. 

As they stumble into Louis’ flat after the cab drops them off, Nick moves to shrug off his jacket when something catches Louis’ eye.

“Hey Nick,” Louis says.

Nick hangs his jacket on the back of a chair before answering, “Yeah?”

“What’s that?” Louis asks, pointing to Nick’s hip where his shirt has ridden up, exposing the skin.

Nick looks down and sees what Louis is staring at. The bird tattoo is exposed and he remembers that Louis didn’t know he had it done.

“Oh, umm. Yeah. That.” Nick stammers.

“Yeah. That. When did you get that?” Louis asks.

Nick pauses before telling Louis. “The night before you left. I was at Henry’s and I just decided to get it? I don’t know. I guess I could feel you slipping out of my fingers and I needed something permanent to remind me of you.”

Louis moves closer to Nick, reaches out to touch the tattoo on Nick’s hip.

“I love you, you know.” Louis says, smiling up at Nick.

“I love you, too.” Nick says. And he means it. He’s not holding back this time. He’s going to do this right. _They’re_ going to do this right.

**Author's Note:**

> [this is the first artwork of louis' nick sees, that's the bird on his hip](http://i.huffpost.com/gen/608472/thumbs/o-TRACEY-EMIN-TUBE-MAP-COVER-JUNE-2012-570.jpg?4)


End file.
